Coast to riposte

Coast to Coast, the early a.m. radio show on AM radio, is considered by obsessives and lunatics to be the CNN of supernatural, conspiratorial and extraterrestrial phenomena. Originally hosted by Ur-crackpot Art Bell, who was replaced by the more genially paranoid George Noory, the show features a companion web site where listeners can post additional "proof" of their otherwordly experiences, as if the word of someone blathering about aliens at 2 a.m. after being on hold for 90 minutes isn't enough.

Alas, a perusal of the site's "images" section may serve to disappoint those who "want to believe":

o THE HAUNTED MICROWAVE: Marijuana may stave off Alzheimer's disease, but its effects on the deductive faculties of youths remain unfortunate.

o "OLD SEA HAG": Here's guessing his girlfriend took "on the personality" every 28 days.

o THANKS, KID!: Apparently, the "monster" had huge tits and blonde hair.

The photo begs the question of whether it's a good or bad thing for a philanderer to have a wife that stupid. I do know a few guys with ostensibly intelligent spouses who get more trim than a hedge, so I'll venture it's a bad thing.

o "LABIALITY OF MOOD": If this doesn't convince you there's some seriously spooky shit out there, then maybe the fact that its post-hypnotic creators have "been the subject of a Canadian documentary and have done a guest spot on Darkness Radio" will. But that's what happens when you get high at the "famous Skinwalker ranch."

o "YOU TELL ME WHAT THIS IS!": I don't know. A fuckin' bush, maybe?

o THE GRASSY KNOLL: Nobody's fired a gun in Dallas for over 40 years.

o CROP CIRCLES: You know how I know crop circles are the product of alien spaceships? Because people in rural areas are so busy they'd never have time to crush some wheat.

o RETURN OF THE DEMON: It looks like pussy to me.

o DUUUUUUUUDE: Our Lord and Savior later turned male plants into some serious skunk weed.

o BLACK HELICOPTER: Proof positive that helicopters can be painted black.

No, man... read the guy's story. It's the context, man. THE CONTEXT!

o SHADOW ATTACK: It's refreshing to read a supernatural being will transcend time and space, life and death, being and nothingness just to punch a guy in the face. Nice straight right! Maybe he's a southpaw whom other "shadow people" won't fight, at least not this early in their careers. If so, he needs a new promoter.

On the bright side, this is evidence that if you're ever haunted by a hot lady ghost, the fact she's dead doesn't mean you can't fuck her, at least theoretically.