This Man on Women - Nos. 99 to 90

A flashy website called askmen.com has compiled a list of "The Top 99 Most Desirable Women," and though the compilation's organizing principle is difficult to glean, I'm assuming it's something along the lines of being hot and famous at the same time.

These are all fine women, but - alas - not without their flaws, which I detail below along with their assets:

99. Anna Kournikova: Compared to the near-fetal features of tennis's latest femme banale, Kournikova comes across like Jane Mansfield, and that's a good thing. I used to complain that Kournikova's eyes were too closely set together, but now I realize that's just my inner homo talking.

98. Piper Perabo: My disenfranchisement from popular culture indicates Ms. Perabo could give me an under-the-table handjob at The Subway Inn on 59th Street and I'd still not know who she was. The central photo shows an attractive woman with a slightly stupeified mien, so what's not to love?

97. Vanessa Marcil: Apparently, she's famous enough to get an inside ticket to the DVD release party for "Kill Bill: Volume 1," which is great! (Isn't "volume" just precious?) A comely lass, but I bet I'd get tired of her "great-to-see-you-until-I-realize-I-don't-know-who-you-are" smile after stalking her for six months.

96. Nicole Kidman: Since when did "class" become a synonym for "I just smelled a fart"? Aging, and not gracefully.*

95. Gabrielle Union: Another one I've never heard of. Her Barbie doll looks do leave me with the (no doubt) mistaken impression that she's one of the few black women I could boss around.

94. Bryce Dallas Howard: Like bonus tracks tacked on to the end of the first generation of CDs, Opie's daughter seems to have been inserted on the list to make sure critics like me are really paying attention. I am, and if this list were of "The Top 4,736,356,921 Most Desirable Women," Ms. Howard still wouldn't belong on it.

Yes, the "Opie's daughter" thing is a cheap shot.

93. Lucy Liu: That fake smile. That iron gaze. That user reputation. That bitch priestess countenance. Marry me, baby.

92. Vanessa Hessler: File under "CATEGORY: FANTASY; Subcategory: Au pair, naive."

What's troubling is that in the next week I'm going to mention to someone that I've never heard of Vanessa Hessler and he's going to look at me like I just got out of a cave in the Hindu-Kush.

91. Cameron Diaz: I didn't know how annoying a dopey, bubbly blonde could be until I watched Diaz do that routine for the fifth or sixth time. It produced suicidal feelings, and a few others I can't outline here in case I run for public office.

90. Amanda Bynes: If I had a daughter, I'd really hope she doesn't look like Ms. Bynes.

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* That sentiment and others like it should not be confused with a refusal on my part to bone any of these chicks.