This Man on Women - Nos. 69-60

Line 'em up, knock 'em down. Another ten desirables:

69 (!). Rachel Weisz: The "thinking man's beauty," blah, blah, blah. If so, one might ask when thinking, what does thought have to do with the price of tea in China? One is here to prioritize fantasies in the pyramidally-structured hierarchy of self-abuse, for Christ's sake.

68. Melania Knauss: I thought the deal with Slovenian models is there's an inverse correlation between between hotness and Slovenian-ness. Did I mention she looks German?

67. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not with your dick. Ms. Zeta-Jones is one of those chicks who makes a decent impression at first, then uglifies like Dorian Gray's portrait upon further reflection, so much so that Michael Douglas's Karloffian turn as her husband seems a step up for her.

66. Jennifer Garner: Nothing to sneeze at, of course, but I've heard informed speculation she makes vanilla taste like pomegranate.

65. Jennifer Esposito: Spike Lee nailing her kinda' ruins it, but there's a certain functionality to her looks that wedges her into the prestigious number 65 position in the askmen.com Hall of Fame.

64. Alyssa Milano: Prettier with earplugs. Just a guess.

63. Jaime Pressly: Anti-zaftig, if that's your thing. I know the phrase "I wouldn't throw her out of bed" means nothing coming from me, but Ms. Pressly looks like an 85-year-old man's idea of what a desperate, thirtysomething male thinks is hot. And while I know men complain that hot woman are humor-impaired, her alleged comic chops don't move me one way or the other.

62. Holly Valence: (VAY-lence) 1. The combining capacity of an atom or radical determined by the number of electrons that it will lose, add, or share when it reacts with other atoms.; 2. The last name of a chick I'd do even though I have no idea who the hell she is.

61. Jennifer Connelly: I used to masturbate "to" her constantly until someone mentioned she looked like my mom. Talk about nipping that shit in the bud.

60. Leeann Tweeden: Chaos theory needs no further proof beyond the fact that the only reason Ms. Tweeden's not spinning around a pole in Jacksonville is the years-old flapping of a butterfly's wings over the Kamchatka Peninsula.