Kids Are Fags
Christmas week was slow at O'Shea's until Everett McK___ - you'll understand later - strolled in like he'd won the Irish sweepstakes. The only thing missing was the marching band and that huge rod the drum major throws around. A regular cock of the walk, Ev was.
My curiousity piqued, I asked him what the fuck it was that was making him so fuckin' happy.
He says, "Me and my granddaughter, we're going to see the new Harry (sic) Potter movie this evening." Then Ev showed me this book, something called Larry Potter and the Goblin of Fire, along with a "World's Greatest Grandpa" mug. The book, I don't mind saying, looked like something the boys at Hackensack PD use as an interrogation tool.
So I asks him what all this Larry Potter shit was about. The answer I got back - I don't remember it word-for-word, since it pissed me off so - was something about elves and faries and warlocks and bullshit, only worse because it was kid elves and kid faries and kid warlocks and kid bullshit. I sat there, holding it in, letting McK____ bury himself with his own words. In public.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke my bottle of Carling's Black Label against the bar, cried my war scream, grabbed Ev, twisted him around like Astaire on Rogers, and held the jagged glass against the folds of his chins. "Ev, if I ever hear one more thing about this Larry Potter shit, I'm gonna' slice your turkey neck!" I says.
I think Ev crapped himself. Sometimes it's hard to tell in O'Shea's.
McK____ ain't a bad guy, but he needs guidance. I says, "Ev, kids are fags."
"What do you mean?" he says.
"I mean what I says I mean! Look at kids. Boys want to play only with boys and girls want to play only with girls. And when they're playing, boys are all playing with army men - that's fag, Ev - and girls are all playing with princesses and dolls and other sundry dyke shit! It's why we gotta' waste half our adult life straightening them out, for Christ's sakes!"
"I'm not sure that's the way it..."
I moved the bottle into the neck flab, shutting him up real good.
I says, "You want more proof? What's the one thing adults don't like when they're trying to have a good time? That thing is kids and fags. And you know why? They both suck the air out of the room, so to speak. You can't do nothing when they're around, what with all the prancing and hollering." That brought Ev around to my way of thinking. He didn't say a fuckin' thing for the rest of the night, then slithered out to see his grandkid.
Not all kids are fags. I wanted to fingerblast Cinderella, bone Snow White, and dead fish Sleeping Beauty back when the other kids were experimenting with their sexuality. Hell, I told my dad that as soon as I got the chance I'd fuck the dyke right out of Marlene Dietrich, and I was only five at the time.
- Frank McManus
My curiousity piqued, I asked him what the fuck it was that was making him so fuckin' happy.
He says, "Me and my granddaughter, we're going to see the new Harry (sic) Potter movie this evening." Then Ev showed me this book, something called Larry Potter and the Goblin of Fire, along with a "World's Greatest Grandpa" mug. The book, I don't mind saying, looked like something the boys at Hackensack PD use as an interrogation tool.
So I asks him what all this Larry Potter shit was about. The answer I got back - I don't remember it word-for-word, since it pissed me off so - was something about elves and faries and warlocks and bullshit, only worse because it was kid elves and kid faries and kid warlocks and kid bullshit. I sat there, holding it in, letting McK____ bury himself with his own words. In public.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke my bottle of Carling's Black Label against the bar, cried my war scream, grabbed Ev, twisted him around like Astaire on Rogers, and held the jagged glass against the folds of his chins. "Ev, if I ever hear one more thing about this Larry Potter shit, I'm gonna' slice your turkey neck!" I says.
I think Ev crapped himself. Sometimes it's hard to tell in O'Shea's.
McK____ ain't a bad guy, but he needs guidance. I says, "Ev, kids are fags."
"What do you mean?" he says.
"I mean what I says I mean! Look at kids. Boys want to play only with boys and girls want to play only with girls. And when they're playing, boys are all playing with army men - that's fag, Ev - and girls are all playing with princesses and dolls and other sundry dyke shit! It's why we gotta' waste half our adult life straightening them out, for Christ's sakes!"
"I'm not sure that's the way it..."
I moved the bottle into the neck flab, shutting him up real good.
I says, "You want more proof? What's the one thing adults don't like when they're trying to have a good time? That thing is kids and fags. And you know why? They both suck the air out of the room, so to speak. You can't do nothing when they're around, what with all the prancing and hollering." That brought Ev around to my way of thinking. He didn't say a fuckin' thing for the rest of the night, then slithered out to see his grandkid.
Not all kids are fags. I wanted to fingerblast Cinderella, bone Snow White, and dead fish Sleeping Beauty back when the other kids were experimenting with their sexuality. Hell, I told my dad that as soon as I got the chance I'd fuck the dyke right out of Marlene Dietrich, and I was only five at the time.
- Frank McManus
posted by Brian Moore at 1:39 PM
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