From the Birds
Living stateside can be monumentally tedious, often to the point where I'm tempted to petition Buckingham Palace for the immediate and irrevocable enslavement of Americans en masse for crimes of vulgarity and, frankly, penury. But the colonials do have a talent for innovation, the latest example of which is a phenomenon known here as "fantasy sports."
If you are unfamiliar, fantasy sports involve individuals of common origin cherry-picking athletes from actual blood-and-sinew sporting leagues to create Frankenstein monster-like teams imaginarily under control of this plebian owner. Using statistics generated from the athletes's actual performances in sanctioned sporting events, the nominal owner is able to generate a numeric "score" for his "team," which is pitted against other "teams" run by fellow members of the common herd. Thus these Average Joe participants are able to experience - fleetingly and cosmetically, of course - the sense of power enjoyed by a manager of a professional sports team. Some "owners" speak enthusiastically, if foolishly, of the intoxicating qualities of this majesterial sentiment.
Though I prefer to eat steak au poivre, with a demi-glace reduction infused with Port, I do consume the sundry hamburger, so far be it from me to dismiss every American creation as the work of sex-crazed imbeciles. For me and my peers, the delights of fantasy falconry have proved a heady meal.
Our rules are simple: We each "draft" - an American term for reducing an athlete to indentured servitude - five noted falconers based on our own assessments of each professional's birding prowess. Scoring is based on awarding points for each "macreskor," or kill, with the weight of the beast slain operating in integer form - we round up from .5 pounds - as a multiplier if it is over the average weight of a Dunsfordshire rabbit in estrus. Further, we penalize any "braegrogiasfain," or songbird rendered lifeless, if the fowl's plumes number less than eight. To put it simply, if the plumes are under this breakpoint figure, the number is used as a denominator under the numerator of such birds defeated, multiplied by the age of the falcon plus the number of competitions the falcon has participated in, divided by the sum of crannacks in the folsome. The International Society of Falconry frowns upon such cheap scoring tactics, and so do we.
Here is my team, the envy of fantasy falconers throughout the realm: Ralph "Scourge of Wales" Gwynnelscuddah, Rob the East Anglian, Hempstead Tudor, Nazahriheem Ali-Hindustan, and Son of Rob the East Anglian.
Many an afternoon has been lost in reverie over this most involving of conflicts.
- Twimbley Duddleston IV
If you are unfamiliar, fantasy sports involve individuals of common origin cherry-picking athletes from actual blood-and-sinew sporting leagues to create Frankenstein monster-like teams imaginarily under control of this plebian owner. Using statistics generated from the athletes's actual performances in sanctioned sporting events, the nominal owner is able to generate a numeric "score" for his "team," which is pitted against other "teams" run by fellow members of the common herd. Thus these Average Joe participants are able to experience - fleetingly and cosmetically, of course - the sense of power enjoyed by a manager of a professional sports team. Some "owners" speak enthusiastically, if foolishly, of the intoxicating qualities of this majesterial sentiment.
Though I prefer to eat steak au poivre, with a demi-glace reduction infused with Port, I do consume the sundry hamburger, so far be it from me to dismiss every American creation as the work of sex-crazed imbeciles. For me and my peers, the delights of fantasy falconry have proved a heady meal.
Our rules are simple: We each "draft" - an American term for reducing an athlete to indentured servitude - five noted falconers based on our own assessments of each professional's birding prowess. Scoring is based on awarding points for each "macreskor," or kill, with the weight of the beast slain operating in integer form - we round up from .5 pounds - as a multiplier if it is over the average weight of a Dunsfordshire rabbit in estrus. Further, we penalize any "braegrogiasfain," or songbird rendered lifeless, if the fowl's plumes number less than eight. To put it simply, if the plumes are under this breakpoint figure, the number is used as a denominator under the numerator of such birds defeated, multiplied by the age of the falcon plus the number of competitions the falcon has participated in, divided by the sum of crannacks in the folsome. The International Society of Falconry frowns upon such cheap scoring tactics, and so do we.
Here is my team, the envy of fantasy falconers throughout the realm: Ralph "Scourge of Wales" Gwynnelscuddah, Rob the East Anglian, Hempstead Tudor, Nazahriheem Ali-Hindustan, and Son of Rob the East Anglian.
Many an afternoon has been lost in reverie over this most involving of conflicts.
- Twimbley Duddleston IV
posted by Brian Moore at 6:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home